Eternally Conflicted

Couple of weeks ago, on what was the longest night of the year, homeless advocates, social workers and a few homeless people themselves held a vigil honoring those who had died over the years while still on the streets of Napa. The ceremony was small but serious and considering that it was held in small town USA, well attended.

The problem was the miserable weather. The kind of weather that makes you want to curl up on the couch with a cup of soup. The rain was steady, not pouring, and it completely through me off. I’ve only had to shoot in rain a few times, so I have no practice and should keep that in mind while I berate myself. But it bugs me that I couldn’t think straight enough to really work the situation.

Well, I take that back. The ceremony was short and I was able to work a couple of shots at least a little bit. What’s bothering me is my lack of clear thinking re: my exposure. If I had just made a small adjustment in my shutter speed on a few of the frames, I could’ve come away with at least more to choose from. It may not have made a difference in the end as to which photo got the nod, but you never know.

Funny how I’m writing about the weather again. Guess I know what I need to work on. Anyway, this is what I ended up with. Could’ve been better.

Shot a volunteer big brother hanging out with his little brother not too long ago. They started out hiking around the marshlands near Napa and came upon an abandoned building. They did some more hiking after trying to get to the second floor of the time worn and vandalized structure, including a little bird watching, but none of that came out as well.

Shot a crazy event the other day; Snow Party on Oak street.

Last December, when the photo dept was shorthanded and I was the only one working on a Friday, a photo request came in last minute about a snow party with white stuff trucked in from Tahoe starting that afternoon. Only problem was I was slammed and had no time to get over there.

So I just kept the request because the guy’s name and phone number were on it and thought, “I’ll try to call them next year and see if they do it again.”

This last Thursday, Dec. 21, during the paper’s Xmas party, we got on the topic of when was the last time it snowed in Napa. I thought I snowed last year, then remembered it was just at this house on Oak Street, not the whole town.

So I go digging for the guys number and found it. Called him up and he says, “Today’s your lucky day. Tomorrow we are bringing three dump trucks of snow from Tahoe to the house for our third annual Snow Party.”

Talk about serendipity.

Anyway, got there when the first truck came in and shot while they built a huge ramp for sleds then came back later that afternoon for the party. It was total chaos. This is what I came up with.

Rod Mar of the Seattle Times had a nice little blog entry a couple of weeks
ago that made me feel glad I’m not the only one who has an internal
conversation that sometimes just goes around and around.

Actually, Mar’s internal conversation regarding his Seahawks sunbeam kick
photo sounds like it went better than mine usually do. A lot of times I’ll
be thinking the exact same thing (”If I stay here, will I miss something?”),
but the anxiety will be a little higher before, during and after any
decision I make.

The best part about the whole thing was A) how well the small risk paid off
visually and B) how well the small risk paid off in print. Not only did Mar
take a risk by shooting the photo, but editors and designers did as well in
how the picture played.

Makes me all warm and fuzzy to see cool stuff like that.

The first anniversary of the 2005 New Year’s flood here in Napa is coming up. The paper is doing some follow-up stories on people who were affected and how the flood protection programs are doing. My photo editor brought up the take from that day and I had another look at everything I shot. It brought back some crazy memories.

The most powerful memory was, and still is, how disappointed I was with what I came back with that day. Considering what I was up against — I was the only photographer working that day — I guess I did fairly well. But thinking back on some of the things I didn’t do almost makes me sick to my stomach.

Before the rainy season even started, I looked into getting some hip waders. David Carson at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch emphatically informed me when I interned over there to make sure I had some in the trunk of my car in case I needed them. But I went to check some out at the sporting goods store and they were way more expensive than I could afford, so I never bought any. That turned out to be a big mistake.

The paper has a pair of thigh-high mud boots for crazy weather, but of course I paid no attention to the river levels the night before the flood and failed to grab them beforehand. I woke up the morning of the flood, hearing a lot of commotion outside our house and discovered after my wife went outside to get the paper that our street was flooded — along with the rest of Napa — just a half block down the road.

So I started working right away, just 100 yards from my house, and came away with some stuff that worked, but it was all with a telephoto lens. I was heartbroken that I had no hip waders or even the paper’s thigh-high mud boots to get close to people with a wide angle lens as they battled the waist high water. Bryan Patrick of the Sacramento Bee had a great wide angle shot from the flooding that day in the Delta. Michael Macor of the San Francisco Chronicle had a nice shot from downtown Napa with a wide angle lens as well.

To this day I feel disappointed about the whole thing. The biggest flood in Napa in 20 years and here I was only partly prepared. Live and learn, I guess.

It’s contest time and yet again I’m scrambling to get my photos
uploaded to the various year-end competitions. I’ve still got time
before the deadlines, but knowing myself, I’ll put off to the last
minute the last steps in the process.

I have a love-hate relationship with the year-end contests. On the one
hand, I love seeing all the cool work once the judging is over. On the
other hand, I hate seeing all the cool work once the judging is over.
I look at the winners and think to myself, “Damn, wish I could shoot
like that.”

A designer named Bruce Mau had this really good list called “An
Incomplete Manifesto for Growth”
(http://www.brucemaudesign.com/manifesto.html) that I read while in
grad school. I should print it up and put it on my computer at work.
Anyway, one of the things he says is do not enter awards competitions
because they are not good for you. There is a part of me that totally
relates to what he is saying and understands why it is not a good
idea. But there is a cynical side of me that sees how the
photojournalism business works and how people who win big contests get
jobs at big papers.

Not that I want a job at a big paper, but it seems like contest
winners get opportunities that otherwise might not have been there.
And for good reason. They busted their ass and created something
amazing. My question is, why is it so hard to be happy with what I do
and not worry about winning a contest?

Now, I can’t complain too much because I’ve won a couple of awards,
and I’m sure there are plenty of other photojournalists far better
than me who have won nothing. It still messes with my mind though.

So for all ya’ll who have yet to hop on the train, here are the links
for the big contests.

POYi - 64th Pictures of the Year International
http://www.poy.org/

NPPA BOP - National Press Photographers Association’s Best of
Photojournalism 2007
http://bop.nppa.org/2007/

2007 World Press Photo Contest
http://www.worldpressphoto.nl/

Real quick - if you have time, you should pick up a copy of today’s SF Chronicle.

As part of their coverage of the Oakland homicides, there is a story on a woman named Lorrain Taylor. She lost both of her sons to violence and now speaks out against it and helps support those who are going through the same thing.

The photos by Lacy Atkins are great and the space given inside to the story is very, very nice. The double truck layout with lots of photos in black in white is powerful. I’m just glad that a story like this is being told - what’s happening in Oakland is beyond words and we need to shake up the collective consciousness to try and make things better.

I kind of wish they packaged this story with the others—they published a story on a mortician and a teenager on separate days a few weeks back—all as part of a three day series. They’ve done it with every other major series in the past so why not now? Maybe get some more impact that way.

They also have a bunch of stuff online at http://www.sfgate.com/oaklandhomicides/ including a list of the victims with photos and audio for many of them.

Jorgen

It’s almost midnight and I finally have the blog set up. Just spent 20 minutes looking at hundreds of different color and text configurations I can use for this, but I’m almost asleep. Maybe I’ll change it later.

Anyway, I’m a photojournalist from the Napa Valley Register who is eternally conflicted with self-doubt about my talent, the newspaper business, photojournalism and a myriad of other things. Hopefully I’ll get to elaborate on this more, but I can barely read the text on the screen right now and if I don’t go to sleep soon, I will completely lose my mind.

Jorgen